i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
