the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
