so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
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Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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