I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
