she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
