It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
