Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
