My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
