He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
