What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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