Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You can't motorboat a personality
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
why is half of my head shaved?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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