oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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