The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
