I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
