3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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