I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
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You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
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Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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