Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
