OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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