I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
