we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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