I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
