I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
