Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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