What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
