Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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