I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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