its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
