Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
