Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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