thus making me awesome and them whores
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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