tonight lets celebrate not being married
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
