carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
