guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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