ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
