I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
