You really coming over, don't trick.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
