and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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