I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
