Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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