I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
