If that was your dad, he is hot
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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