I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"