we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
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diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.