I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
