Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
