Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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