Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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