Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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