He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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