the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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