morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My vagina just recognized that song.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
