But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
