I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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